The Hidden Women Page 8

  Dad’s hand had been badly burned by a rifle backfiring. He always kept it tucked in his sleeve now.

  ‘I was terrified of him,’ Bobby carried on. ‘I didn’t know who he was – not really. And I remember going into town for the celebrations and how worried Mum was after.’

  ‘She thought you’d get ill?’ I said, remembering the stories of the Spanish Flu epidemic that had swept through people who’d been squashed into Trafalgar Square.

  Bobby leaned back against the cushions. ‘She was so worried I’d get poorly, she didn’t really think about poor Dad and how he was coping,’ he said.

  I thought of our dad. I’d only ever known him as he was now – prone to dark moods with a hatred of loud noises. I couldn’t imagine him being any other way.

  ‘Ruth says you’re talking about joining up,’ I whispered. ‘Please don’t, Bobby. Please don’t.’

  He pressed his lips together and I studied him. He looked so like me with his dark hair and narrow face.

  ‘Bobby, please,’ I said again. ‘We need you here. Mum needs you. Ruth needs you. And me, I need you.’

  Bobby shook his head. ‘They’ll call me up anyway,’ he said. ‘This way at least I get to choose what I do, and where I go, and who with.’ He straightened up. ‘And it’s the right thing to do,’ he said.

  I slumped in my seat. I knew there was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise. Bobby was such a good man. He’d never shirk his duty or stand aside while others fought. No matter how much I wished he would.

  ‘What do Mum and Dad think?’

  I blinked in surprise. It hadn’t even occurred to me to go home. Bobby and Ruth’s house was where I felt most welcome.

  ‘Dunno,’ I muttered. ‘I was at my piano lesson when Mrs Mayhew came home and told us.’

  Bobby’s expression darkened slightly at me mentioning my lessons. He didn’t have much time for Ian, though I’d never said anything about our … whatever it was. Romance? Love affair? I shuddered to think what Bobby would say about that.

  ‘I suppose I should go,’ Bobby said, getting up. ‘Mum will be in bits, bless her. And Dad? Who knows how he’ll react.’

  I groaned. ‘Can I stay here?’

  Bobby smiled at me, indulgently. ‘Course,’ he said. He lowered his voice. ‘Actually, could you make sure Ruth’s all right? She’s been a bit odd the last few days.’

  I stood too and went up on my tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.

  ‘Tell Mum I’ll be home in time for tea,’ I said.

  He picked up his jacket and went out the front door, while I went the opposite way into the kitchen at the back of the house. Ruth was standing at the sink, staring unseeingly out into the tiny yard.

  ‘Ruth,’ I said. She didn’t answer. ‘Ruth,’ I said, a bit louder this time, and she jumped.

  ‘Oh, Lil,’ she said, giving a fake sort of laugh. ‘I didn’t see you there.’

  I took a step towards her. ‘Are you all right?’

  I loved Bobby, of course – he was my brother – but Ruth was the one I really adored. She and Bobby had been sweethearts since they were at school so I’d known Ruth almost as long as I could remember. She was so pretty, with her curly red hair and freckles, and her smiley face. But she wasn’t smiling now. Her green eyes were filling with tears.

  ‘Lil,’ she said. ‘Oh what are we going to do?’

  I pulled her in for a cuddle. ‘Bobby will be fine,’ I said, hoping I was right. ‘He’ll be fine. He’s strong as a horse, that one.’

  Ruth sniffed and wiped her eyes. ‘I hope you’re right,’ she said. She took a breath. ‘I, erm, I thought I was expecting.’

  I froze. Ruth had wanted a baby for so long. Bobby wanted one too, and I thought they would make wonderful parents. But each time Ruth fell pregnant, she started bleeding just a few weeks later. One terrible time, a year or so before, she’d got further along. Even started to show. But the baby came much, much too early and the little scrap of a thing – so tiny they couldn’t tell if it was a boy or a girl – didn’t even take one breath. Just like my dad, Ruth had been changed by all the heartache and I thought the light had gone out of her eyes.

  Now I looked at her, and saw those eyes were still sad. I bit my lip.

  ‘I thought I was, but then I started bleeding,’ Ruth said. She brushed a stray curl off her forehead, tucked it behind her ear and gave me a forced smile. ‘Still, probably for the best, eh? Given everything that’s happened.’

  I squeezed her arm, at a loss for words. ‘You sit down,’ I said. ‘I’ll make the tea.’

  Later, when I was back home, I thought about Ruth and how much she wanted a baby. In fact, babies were all I thought about all the way through dinner.

  ‘You’re very quiet,’ Mum said to me, as she handed me a glass of water.

  I gave her a reassuring smile. ‘Just worried about what will happen if there’s a war,’ I said.

  Mum shuddered. ‘Shhh,’ she said, tilting her head towards the front room, where Dad was eating his dinner on his lap, listening to the news on the wireless. ‘Don’t let your father hear you talk like that. He’s fretting that Bobby will get called up.’

  I stayed silent, thinking of Bobby and Ruth – and Ian. Would he get called up? War seemed inevitable now; at least that’s what Mr Chamberlain had said. My brother would be heading off to fight; he said he wanted to join the air force. Would Ian go too? What would I do if he went away? Could I go with him? Maybe I could join up too – I was almost sixteen. Was that old enough?

  After dinner, I went upstairs slowly and lay on my bed, counting backwards in my head, over and over. Eventually, I sat up and found my diary and leafed through it, going back through the months. I hoped I was wrong, that I’d counted wrong, that the diary was wrong. But it seemed I wasn’t. I was late. Really, really late. Ten weeks late, according to my dates. Ten. Weeks.

  Feeling dizzy, I locked the bedroom door, and slid out of my cotton dress. Then I pulled off my brassiere and girdle and stood in front of the mirror. My breasts, which were usually small and round, looked fuller and my nipples were dark. And my stomach, normally flat, was slightly curved. I breathed in sharply. How had I not noticed this before? I turned sideways and examined my reflection more carefully, cupping my hands round my small round tummy. There was a definite bulge to my abdomen.

  ‘Lord,’ I said to myself. ‘Oh Lord.’

  Unable to look at my reflection a moment longer I pulled on my nightgown and got into bed, even though it was still early. Staring at the ceiling I thought about what this meant. Ruth, my lovely, kind, caring Ruth, wanted a baby so badly and couldn’t have one. And here I was. Fifteen years old. Not even finished with school. Unmarried. Carrying on with my piano teacher, who I seemed to love and hate in equal measure. And undoubtedly, undeniably, pregnant.

  ‘What am I going to do?’ I muttered. ‘What the bloody hell am I going to do now?’

  Chapter 14

  Helena

  May 2018

  ‘She really doesn’t remember anything?’

  I leaned back in my chair, twirling the cord of my desk phone round my hand and trying to pretend that Elly wasn’t glued to every word of my conversation with my father.

  ‘She said she didn’t at first,’ I said. ‘But I didn’t believe her.’

  ‘It was a long time ago.’

  Dad sounded disappointed and I sighed.

  ‘No, it’s different,’ I said. ‘Later she said she didn’t want to remember, not that she couldn’t.’

  ‘You think she knows exactly what happened and she just …’ Dad trailed off.

  ‘Doesn’t want to talk about it.’

  There was a pause on the other end of the line.

  ‘Could be something awful,’ he said.

  ‘Has to be.’ I’d done nothing but go over and over what could have happened to Lil and drawn a blank. I wasn’t completely clueless; I understood why people were dishonourably discharged – going AWOL for one, or commi
tting some sort of crime – but I couldn’t make that fit with the Lil I knew.

  ‘Doesn’t it make you curious though?’ Dad said. ‘You’re a historian, Nell. You solve mysteries and here’s one dropped into your lap about your own family.’

  ‘Dad,’ I said. ‘It’s not a mystery, it’s Lil. Our Lil.’

  ‘Doesn’t it make you wonder what she’s hiding?’

  ‘No,’ I snapped. ‘It makes me wonder what awful thing happened to her back then that saw her dishonourably discharged and refuse to talk about it more than seventy years later.’

  Dad sighed. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘I forget how elderly she is. We’re all getting on a bit.’

  ‘Speak for yourself,’ I said, softening towards him again now he’d stopped haranguing me.

  ‘I worry,’ Dad began. ‘I worry that this is part of our family story and Lil won’t be around to tell it, and it will be lost.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘And heaven knows I understand how awful it is to lose a bit of family history. But I don’t know what we can do. She’s an old woman. We can hardly strap her to a chair and shine a light in her eyes until she tells us what happened.’

  ‘This is very important to me,’ Dad said.

  I paused. ‘Dad, is there something you’re not telling me?’ I said. ‘Why are you so desperate to find out about what Lil did in the war?’

  He gave a funny little laugh. ‘Of course not,’ he said. ‘It’s just curiosity.’

  ‘Really?’ I said, not believing him. ‘It’s hardly just a passing interest, Dad. This is curiosity that could cost me my job, and upset an old lady. And not any old lady, one who looked after us when we were little, and made sure our family all stayed together.’

  Dad made a funny swallowing sound. It almost sounded as though he was fighting back tears. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I have to go.’

  He hung up and I stared at my phone in confusion. Had Dad been crying? What on earth was going on?

  ‘Problems?’ said Elly.

  ‘Family,’ I said. I suddenly felt close to tears myself. ‘Oh, Elly, I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Tell me all about it,’ she said. ‘We’ll sort it out.’

  Briefly I filled her in.

  ‘So, in a nutshell, your dad wants you to find out more, your auntie won’t talk about it, and Jack Jones says you can use his research as a cover story?’ Elly said when I paused for breath.

  ‘That’s the long and short of it,’ I said. ‘But it just seems so important to Dad. I really thought he was going to cry just now.’

  Elly made a face. ‘That’s odd,’ she said.

  I ran my fingers through my hair in despair. ‘There’s got to be more to it than Dad’s letting on, but I don’t want to push him. I’m stumped. Lil doesn’t want me to do this research, and Dad does. If I don’t do it, I’ll upset him. If I do it, I could upset Lil – and piss off Fliss.’

  I lowered my voice, even though Fliss was in her office.

  ‘You know she’s got a thing about people doing their own research and she can see what I’m looking up, if she fancies checking.’

  Elly looked thoughtful. ‘Did Lil actually tell you not to do any research?’

  ‘She made it quite clear she didn’t want to remember,’ I said.

  ‘No, but did she actually say that you weren’t to do the research?’

  I shook my head. ‘No,’ I said. ‘She didn’t say very much at all.’

  Elly shrugged. ‘There you are then. If she really didn’t want you to know, she’d have said so, wouldn’t she?’

  ‘Are you saying I could do the research anyway?’

  Elly smiled. ‘That’s exactly what I’m saying. She doesn’t need to know, does she?’

  ‘It seems a bit sneaky.’

  ‘Oh, it’s totally sneaky, but I don’t see what harm it would do.’

  ‘What if she did something awful and us knowing changes the way we feel about her?’

  ‘I don’t think that’s very likely,’ Elly said. ‘Look, she probably just had an ill-advised bunk-up with a superior officer, or a scandalous romance with another woman. I hardly think she’s some master criminal.’

  I smiled. ‘She’s wonderful, our Lil,’ I said. ‘I simply can’t imagine she did anything bad.’

  ‘There you are then.’

  I made a face. ‘But the fact is, she doesn’t want me to know. Even if it was just a – what did you call it? An ill-advised bunk-up?’

  ‘Just carry on as you were. Don’t tell her what you’ve found out, do tell your dad. Boom. Everyone’s a winner.’

  ‘I suppose,’ I said.

  Elly leaned past me and picked up Jack’s folder. She put it in front of me so I could see his face.

  ‘He said to use him as a cover, right?’

  I nodded.

  ‘So, use him. Keep all your Lilian research in your Jack folders; put Jack’s story as the reference. No one will check. It means you can do your research without Fliss sniffing around and you get to spend more time with Mr Hottie here.’

  ‘True.’ It was definitely tempting. ‘And Lil did know Jack’s grandfather, so it’s not entirely unrelated research.’

  ‘Phone him,’ she said. ‘There are no losers in this situation.’

  ‘This is very much letting my heart rule my head, which is something I never do,’ I pointed out.

  Elly pushed my phone towards me. ‘It’s not a big deal, Helena,’ she said.

  ‘I’m not over Greg,’ I said desperately.

  ‘Greg who?’

  I paused, struggling for a second to remember Greg’s surname. Elly almost jumped out of her chair in triumph.

  ‘HA!’ she squealed. ‘You’re completely over Greg.’ She looked at me sympathetically. ‘Listen, Helena,’ she said. ‘Do you think Greg’s moping around in Toronto, or wherever?’

  ‘Ottawa,’ I said. ‘He works for the government.’

  She gave me a look that told me she definitely did not care about that. ‘He’s probably out every night, romancing …’ she trailed off, ‘whatever the female version of Mounties is.’

  I smiled, despite myself. ‘I think they’re Mounties, too.’

  ‘The point is he’s having fun,’ Elly said, ‘and he doesn’t even deserve it. You do.’ She gave my phone another shove. ‘Just dial the number and tell him you want to do the research. Be sexy.’

  With a groan, I picked up my phone and hit his number. He answered on the first ring.

  ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘That was quick.’

  Elly threw her head back in despair. ‘Sexy,’ she hissed at me.

  I spun round in my chair so I couldn’t see her.

  ‘I’ve decided I’d like to do some more research into Lil’s time during the war,’ I said. ‘But I’ll need to use your grandfather as a cover, if you’re willing. Will you help me?’

  I swear I could hear Jack smiling on the other end of the phone. ‘I’d love to,’ he said. ‘Are you busy for lunch?’

  I thought about it. I was supposed to be meeting Miranda but she wouldn’t mind rearranging.

  ‘Nope,’ I said. ‘Not busy at all.’

  ‘Great,’ Jack said. ‘How about we go for a drink somewhere quiet and have a chat about what we do next?’

  ‘I’d like that,’ I said. I couldn’t stop smiling. My cheeks hurt with the sheer grinniness of it all.

  ‘Me too,’ Jack said. ‘I’m glad you phoned.’

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Elly punch the air.

  ‘See you later,’ I said.

  Chapter 15

  Lilian

  June 1944

  I had a headache the next day. Too much cider, I thought. Not to mention a night spent tossing and turning, worrying about Will and how we’d been so careless about chatting in the lav without checking if anyone else was in there. We’d not said anything we shouldn’t have, but it still made my blood run cold. We couldn’t afford to be so lazy.

  I wasn’t flying tha
t day. It was nice to have some time off after the hectic few weeks we’d had when we’d been flying two or even three different planes every day. I was still on duty, though, so I spent the morning helping Gareth with one of the taxi planes that wasn’t running properly. I remembered Will’s impression of him and smiled to myself. Will really was a nice man. He’d be a lovely boyfriend. Just not for me, I thought sadly. Maybe once upon a time, but not now. I thought about Flora saying we were all damaged. Maybe we were, but I knew my cracks ran deep.

  ‘Spanner,’ Gareth was saying. I looked at him, confused. What did he want?

  ‘You’re trying to unscrew a screw with a spanner,’ he said. I looked down at my hand and gave him a rueful grin.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Bit of a late night.’

  He nodded to the mess hut. ‘Go and get yourself a cuppa,’ he said. ‘Might wake you up a bit.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, grateful for a break. ‘Shall I bring one back for you?’

  ‘That’d be nice,’ Gareth said.

  I stood up and brushed the dust from my overalls. ‘Won’t be long.’

  Sauntering across the field, I felt a bit happier. Flora was right. I didn’t owe Will anything. It wasn’t my fault if he liked me and I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do. Not this time. I didn’t want to upset him, though, so I hoped I’d be able to cool things off without him being hurt.

  I took a tea from the urn and sat down at one of the long tables to drink it. The mess hut was quiet and I was pleased to be able to have five minutes’ peace. It didn’t last long, though, because after a few minutes Rose slid into the chair opposite me.

  ‘Hello, Lil,’ she said.

  I gave her a forced smile. ‘Rose,’ I said.

  ‘Saw you at the dance last night,’ she said. I wrinkled my nose. I’d not seen her. She didn’t wait for me to answer, though, just carried on.

  ‘Saw you with Will,’ she said.

  ‘A gang of us went together.’ I slurped at my tea, wishing she’d leave me alone. ‘It was fun.’

  ‘Will was sweet on me for a while,’ Rose said. There was a sharp edge to her voice.