The Hidden Women Read online

  ‘You said you might be able to work out if there was anything upsetting from looking at the records,’ Jack pointed out.

  ‘I don’t want to,’ I said.

  But Jack leaned across me and clicked on Lil’s name, and the screen filled with details. It had Lil’s personal information – her date and place of birth, her age when she joined up, and where she did her basic training.

  I glared at him, but I wasn’t really cross. It was too interesting.

  I scanned the page, trying to take it all in. Lilian had done so much when she had been so young. And then, right at the bottom of the screen was what I assumed was the reason for Lil never mentioning her time in the ATA.

  Jack saw it at the same time as I did.

  ‘Ah,’ he said.

  There, in large capital letters, it said: DISHONOURABLE DISCHARGE.

  Chapter 10

  Lilian

  June 1944

  I stayed stock-still as Flora drew a line up the back of my calf.

  ‘It tickles,’ I giggled.

  ‘Don’t move,’ she warned. ‘I’ve got very steady hands but I can’t keep it straight if you wiggle. There, done.’

  I twisted round so I could see her handiwork. I’d covered my legs in gravy browning. Flora’s addition – which was more gravy browning, but made up to a thicker paste – made it look like I was wearing nylon stockings.

  ‘Not bad,’ I said, approvingly. ‘Shall I do you now?’

  ‘Make sure it’s straight,’ Flora said. She hitched up her skirt and I took the narrow brush from the pot and started to draw.

  ‘Are you excited?’

  I concentrated on keeping the line straight. ‘I love dancing,’ I said. ‘You know I love music.’

  ‘Maybe you can get up on stage with the band.’ Flora chuckled. ‘Show them all how it’s done.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, wishing I could. I missed playing piano more than anything else. There was a church hall in the nearby village with a rackety old upright in the corner and sometimes I sneaked in there, but it wasn’t the same.

  ‘When this bloody war is over, I’m going to play the piano every single day,’ I told Flora.

  She smiled over her shoulder at me. ‘I’m going to wear stockings that dogs don’t want to lick,’ she said.

  From across the hut, Annie joined in. ‘And I’m going to wear clothes that fit,’ she said, hitching her belt a notch tighter. Our rations didn’t seem to be going as far any more and we were all far skinnier than we’d been when the war started.

  ‘All done,’ I said, finishing Flora’s seams.

  She peered over her shoulder and clapped her hands in pleasure. ‘Gorgeous, darling,’ she said. ‘Are you sure you don’t mind us tagging along with you and Will?’

  I shook my head vigorously. ‘Not in the least,’ I said. ‘He seems nice enough, but I don’t want to be getting into romance and complications. Not here. Not now.’

  Flora turned round and gazed at me, her blue eyes unblinking. I thought she was going to ask me if I was being completely honest, but she didn’t and I was grateful. Instead she squeezed my hand.

  ‘We’ll stick together,’ she said. ‘Like the Three Musketeers.’

  I grinned. ‘One for all and all for one,’ I said. I threaded my arm through hers and then through Annie’s and we walked to the door, ready to go and meet Will.

  He was waiting by the mess hut, laughing with a couple of other mechanics and smoking a cigarette.

  ‘Evening, ladies,’ he said, straightening up as we approached. ‘Lilian.’

  I nodded to him. ‘Will,’ I said.

  We fell into step as we walked down the short road to where the dance was being held. We could hear the music as we got closer and my spirits lifted a bit.

  ‘Like dancing?’ Will said.

  I smiled. ‘I love it.’

  Inside the hall was pulsing with life. We’d all been flying non-stop for weeks, getting planes in position for the landings on the beaches in France. We’d not known what was happening of course – we only found out afterwards. But we were proud to have played a part in something so important. The hard work of the last few weeks, though, meant everyone was desperate for some fun – and from the look of the hall they were already having it.

  The men mostly wore RAF uniforms. They were jiving with girls in bright red lipstick, their hair shining and, I saw with a relieved smile, gravy browning on their legs. There were a few GIs; I guessed they were passing through. They were getting a lot of attention with girls flocking round them like bees round a honey pot. Some of those girls, I couldn’t help noticing, wore actual Nylon stockings. On the stage was a small band with a pianist, a drummer, a trumpet player and a female singer. Like I always did – and knowing I was being stupid – I scanned their faces, pausing a second longer on the pianist, just in case.

  Will steered us over to a table in the corner. ‘Have a seat,’ he said. ‘I’ll get some drinks.’

  ‘Want to dance?’ Flora said.

  I shook my head. ‘Not yet, I just want to sit here and soak it all up.’ It was ages since there had been a dance near enough for us all to go to. ‘You go – I’ll be fine.’

  ‘Sure?’ Flora looked concerned.

  ‘I’m sure,’ I said. ‘Will’s just gone for some drinks and you’ll be right over there.’

  Flora, Annie and Will’s friends swirled off to the dance floor and I sat drinking in the atmosphere. I loved everything about it. The heat coming off the dancers, the cloud of smoke from people’s cigarettes, the buzz of conversation fighting with the music from the band. Everything. I thought I’d like to play in a dance band one day. If I ever got tired of flying.

  ‘You look happy,’ Will said, handing me a glass of something.

  I smelled it – cider I thought – and took a suspicious sip. It was sweet and slightly fizzy.

  ‘I love this,’ I said to Will as he drew up a chair next to me. ‘I love how the music just makes everyone forget about their worries and throw off their responsibilities.’

  ‘The music and the cider,’ Will said, with a wink.

  I laughed.

  ‘So, Lilian Miles,’ Will carried on. ‘Tell me your story.’

  I blinked at him. What did he mean?

  ‘Not much to tell,’ I said airily.

  ‘How did you end up in the ATA?’

  ‘Oh, just thought it sounded fun,’ I said vaguely. ‘My brother’s in the RAF and I didn’t think he should be the only one who got to fly.’

  Will looked impressed. ‘Must be in your blood,’ he said. ‘You’ve certainly got the knack.’

  I bristled, just a little bit. ‘I’ve worked hard.’

  ‘Course.’ Will caught the edge to my voice and changed the subject.

  ‘Let me tell you about something Gareth did earlier …’ he began.

  As he told the funny story, I started to relax. Will was very easy to be with – he had a sharp eye for people’s quirks and a funny way of telling stories. I laughed as he told an anecdote about some of the RAF officers on the base. He was a lovely man, I thought.

  ‘Dance?’ he eventually suggested and I nodded. He took my hand and led me out to the floor, swinging me round as another jive track started. He wasn’t the best dancer but what he lacked in skill he made up for in enthusiasm, whirling me backwards and forwards across the floor until I was breathless and giddy.

  ‘Having fun?’ Annie spun past me, on the arm of one of Will’s friends, called Frank.

  ‘Lots of fun,’ I gasped. I was happier than I’d been for ages. Months. Years, perhaps. Not for the first time in my life, I marvelled at just how wonderful music was at making everything seem better.

  ‘Come with me,’ Annie said, grabbing my hand. ‘Will, you get us some more drinks.’

  Will saluted Annie jokingly and, giggling madly, Annie, Flora and I crowded into the lav where two women were checking their hair at the mirror.

  ‘So?’ said Flora, craning her nec
k to check her seams were still in place on the back of her legs.

  ‘So what?’ I looked at my reflection. My hair was coming loose and my cheeks were flushed.

  ‘Do you like him?’

  ‘Will?’

  ‘No, Father Christmas. Of course, Will,’ Annie said.

  I leaned against the wall. ‘He’s lovely,’ I said. ‘He’s so funny, and charming. And he loves to dance.’

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Flora. ‘I think someone has a crush.’

  I felt myself blush. ‘That’s just the thing,’ I said with a sigh. I waited for the two girls who’d been doing their hair to leave so it was just the three of us. ‘I don’t.’

  Annie looked at me. ‘Really?’

  I shook my head, sadly. ‘Nothing,’ I said. ‘I wish I felt something – a spark or something – but I don’t.’

  Flora draped an arm round my shoulder. ‘Darling Lil,’ she said. ‘I know you play your cards close to your chest.’

  ‘And a lovely chest it is,’ Annie drawled. She sat up on the sink next to me and lit a cigarette as Flora nudged her to be quiet.

  ‘When I joined up, I never thought I’d be lucky enough to meet two girls like you,’ Flora went on. ‘I was so bloody scared and you made it better.’

  I smiled at her. I felt the same.

  ‘And I know you don’t want to talk about what happened to you,’ she said. I dropped my eyes from hers. It was too hard to think about and I was grateful the girls knew something was wrong inside of me, but never pushed me to elaborate. Flora squeezed me a bit tighter. ‘But I also know that we are all a bit damaged. Some more than others. That’s just life. And if you don’t want to be with Will, then don’t force it. Maybe it’ll happen later, maybe it won’t. It’s fine either way.’

  I felt tears heavy behind my eyelids and blinked them away. ‘Thanks,’ I whispered.

  Annie jumped down from the sink. ‘Thank God none of us are flying tomorrow,’ she said, stubbing out her cigarette. ‘I’m more than a bit tiddly.’

  ‘It’s a shame, though,’ Flora said. ‘Because if one of us had been on that trip to Newcastle, we could have …’

  ‘Shh,’ said Annie covering Flora’s mouth with her hand. She nodded towards the cubicles. The one at the end was shut. Flora’s eyes widened in shock.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ I breathed. None of us had noticed that someone else was in the lav with us.

  We all stared at each other for a second, grateful Annie had noticed when she did and stopped Flora before she said anything incriminating.

  ‘Let’s go home,’ I said.

  As we turned to leave the tiny toilet, we heard whoever it was in the cubicle pull the chain.

  ‘Let’s go,’ I said again, suddenly desperate to be out of there. ‘It’s past my bedtime.’

  Chapter 11

  Helena

  May 2018

  I was too surprised to do anything but stare at the screen. Above the red stamp declaring that Lil had been dishonourably discharged, it also said Lil had been court-martialled and found guilty of contravening standing orders. It was completely bewildering and I wasn’t sure what to do. Luckily, Jack took over.

  ‘This is a shock,’ he said. ‘Do you need to get back for Dora?’

  I shook my head, touched he’d remembered her name.

  ‘She’s with my mum.’

  ‘Well, how about we print this out, take all the info we’ve got to the pub, and chat about it all over a drink?’

  I felt shaky. What had Lil done that deserved a court martial? Had she broken the law? Had she gone AWOL? I shook my head again, more vigorously this time.

  ‘None of this makes sense,’ I said. ‘This doesn’t sound like Lil.’

  Jack was bustling around me, stuffing pieces of paper into the folder. I found I didn’t even care that he was putting them in upside down and back to front. Instead I just stared at the screen.

  ‘It must be a mistake. Lil has always been a bit of a free spirit, but she’s not a bad person.’

  Jack paused in his gathering. ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘Let’s get out of here and you can tell me all about her. She sounds interesting.’

  ‘Oh, she’s interesting, all right,’ I said. I looked at him standing there, clutching the folder, with bits of paper hanging out of it, and smiled. ‘Thanks. You’re being very nice.’

  ‘I feel like it’s all my fault,’ he admitted. ‘You’d have been none the wiser if I’d not turned up and started poking around your research.’

  He wasn’t wrong, but somehow I was pleased. Finding out more about Lil’s war felt like the right thing to do – even if she’d kept it a secret all this time.

  Jack grinned at me and I squinted at him.

  ‘Can you go to the pub?’ I said. ‘Like a normal person?’

  He frowned.

  ‘I am a normal person.’

  ‘I mean, you’re famous. Won’t you get mobbed?’

  ‘Nah,’ Jack said. ‘No one ever thinks it’s me. I think it’s because I’m so scruffy. People usually just tell me I look like Jack Jones.’

  I laughed and gestured to his immaculate T-shirt. ‘But you’re all dressed up,’ I said.

  With a grin, Jack pulled a tatty hoodie out of his bag and shoved it over his head. Then he jammed a faded baseball cap on top of his curls, balled up the beautiful leather jacket and squished it into his rucksack – much to my distress – and looked at me in triumph.

  ‘Better?’ he said. ‘I’m in disguise.’

  I laughed again because he looked so pleased with himself.

  ‘Better,’ I agreed.

  ‘So let’s go,’ Jack said. ‘I’m dying to know more about Lil.’

  ‘If you want to know more about Lil, you really need to meet my sister Miranda,’ I said. ‘Mind if I give her a ring?’

  It wasn’t a total lie. If I adored Lil, Miranda adored her even more and she could definitely talk about her until the cows came home. But I could do that myself, so I didn’t need Miranda to paint a good picture of our aunt. Instead I thought I wanted her there as a kind of shield. My attraction to Jack seemed to be growing by the second and I wasn’t completely comfortable with being alone with him. I thought having Miranda there might force me to be more professional and stop gazing at him with my tongue hanging out like a thirsty puppy.

  Unfortunately, Miranda’s reaction was predictably similar to mine. She arrived in the bar at a trendy hotel near the office just after we did. Jack was ordering the drinks and I was sitting in the semi-circular booth he’d chosen.

  ‘We’ll have more room here to spread out all the papers,’ he’d said when we arrived, turning round to catch a waiter’s eye and knocking the folder off the table with his bag. I’d caught the file before everything fell out and put it back on the table top without him noticing. ‘Stay here, I’ll get some drinks.’

  Miranda slid in next to me.

  ‘Is that him?’ she said, watching Jack at the bar with ill-disguised longing. ‘Oh, my.’

  I elbowed her, hard. ‘Stop it,’ I said. ‘You’re married. And too old for him.’

  ‘Window shopping,’ Miranda said. ‘And I am not too old.’

  Then she stopped looking at Jack and turned her stare to me instead.

  ‘Hang on,’ she said. ‘This isn’t just banter, is it?’

  ‘Jack’s getting wine, I think.’

  ‘Don’t ignore me. You like him.’

  I felt myself flushing again. ‘He’s nice,’ I muttered. ‘And handsome.’

  ‘Ohhhh,’ Miranda breathed. ‘You’ve got a crush.’

  I gave her a fierce look. ‘Have not,’ I said.

  ‘You are allowed,’ she said. ‘It’s not a crime. It’s ages since you broke up with Greg. It’s definitely time to get back on that horse.’

  ‘Jack is not a horse.’ I frowned at her, to warn her he was approaching. ‘And it’s unprofessional to have a crush on someone I’m researching. And how can I date anyone? I’ve got Dora to think abou
t.’

  ‘Lot of excuses, there, Nell,’ Miranda said. ‘Protesting too much, I think …’

  She stopped talking as Jack approached. He put a tray of drinks down, slopping some of his beer on to the table, and beamed at Miranda.

  ‘Hello, hello, hello,’ he said, gleefully shaking her hand. ‘I’ve heard lots about you from Helena.’

  Again with the way he said my name. I imagined him saying it to other people. ‘Have you met my wife – Helena?’ and smiled to myself.

  ‘Nell,’ Miranda said, giving me a shove. ‘Are you with us?’

  I blinked, startled out of my daydream. ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I was just thinking about Lil.’

  ‘Oh yes, tell me more,’ Jack said. He began taking the drinks off the tray and I helped him, trying to make sure he didn’t spill any more than he already had. I handed Miranda a wine glass and a napkin to wipe up splatters and poured some Pinot Grigio for us both.

  ‘Is Lil your dad’s sister?’ Jack drank a mouthful of beer.

  ‘No, she’s Dad’s aunt, actually,’ Miranda said. ‘Our parents are both only children. But Lil was the baby of her family, so she’s not really that much older than Dad.’

  ‘You said she was very special to you?’ Jack prompted.

  Miranda and I looked at each other. We didn’t often talk about when we were growing up.

  I took a breath. ‘We had a bit of an unconventional childhood,’ I began.

  ‘And you have two other siblings, am I right?’

  He’d remembered what I’d told him. Miranda, obviously impressed, smiled. ‘That’s right,’ she said. ‘There’s Andy and Imogen, too.’

  ‘Andy’s nearly thirty, and Immy’s twenty-six,’ I added.

  Jack nodded. ‘I always wanted brothers and sisters when I was growing up,’ he said. ‘I’d like to have lots of kids.’

  Miranda gave me a meaningful look and I spluttered on my wine. Jack thumped me on the back.

  ‘Easy there,’ he said. ‘No need to gulp.’

  Miranda, looking chic and businesslike in what seemed to be a very expensive suit, with her curly hair pulled back into a neat twist, leaned back in the booth and carried on talking while I wiped my mouth with the napkin Jack offered.